What I would give to feel beautiful again. To look in the mirror and admire what I see. To feel indispensable and unmatched. What I would give to love myself again. To have faith in all that I am. To believe that I am capable of the impossible. What I would give to be me again. Once a girl with dreams as big as the sky, unwavering hope and vision, I have slowly faded into nothingness. I have no idea who I am, or what my purpose is anymore. I am still young, yet I feel like I've aged immensely in the past few years. The wear and tear reflecting back at me every morning. The stains of tears soaked into my pillow when I lie down at night. I don't even sleep anymore. I guess I am afraid for the current day to end because it seems each new day things just seem to get worse. And my obsession with the pain inside is not letting up. I spend hours questioning why I have been damaged so many times. I have no desire to even be a good person anymore. Being good has not prevented the hurt. Being good just leaves me dazed and confused with my fate. They say God would not give you anything you can't handle, but God, I can't handle this. I cannot even let anyone else be apart of my life due to the fear that disappointment will follow. I want to smile again because I am actually happy. I want to cry tears of joy for the first time in my life. I want to hold someone's hand that is proud of me. I want to be excited about life and all its possibilities. I am trapped in a state of unhappiness with myself and I am searching for a way out. I can no longer pretend like things are good, I don't remember the last time I walked with my head held high.
I want to live.
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