I Am A Survivor: Domestic Violence Awareness

Many know October as Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which outweighs another huge issue both women and men suffer thru on a daily basis, domestic violence. October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Not removing any importance from the awareness of breast cancer, but domestic violence is an issue that is happening every minute of everyday to someone that you know. Everyone is in some sort of contact with someone that is in a domestic violence situation that seems unescapable. Domestic violence includes spousal abuse and child abuse. It comes verbally, emotionally, and physically. Any form of domestic violence must be stopped. 


Although many women of all ages suffer in a domestic relationship, there is an increasing amount of young women 15-30 that are being violated by men. And while those on the outside looking in may say "Why doesn't she just leave?", it's never really that easy. 

Not only do these women feel an emotional connection to the violence, but the abusers often use threats and more violence to instill fear in the victim so that she will continue to endure. The pain often feels everlasting, and even though it is something one can never get use to, it is also something that is hard to escape.


At 18, I had my first experience with domestic violence. I was ridiculously in love with a guy, who I would do anything and everything for. Things started out wonderfully, at least I thought so, but I ignored all the signs that were speaking loud and clear that he was dangerous, until it was too late. I still remember the first time he hit me. He was drunk and high, and I was afraid, but I never thought he would actually put his hands on me. At this point in the relationship I had put up with so much verbal and emotional abuse, I didn't think it could get any worse, until it did. It was 2:00 am in the middle of some strange neighborhood because he called me urgently and told me I needed to meet him. When I arrived I saw an anger in his eyes, and he was being very disrespectful, so I decided to leave and go to my car, and I felt him following me. I began to run, and stopped mid track to take off my heels, and I ran as fast as I could, heels in hand. The next thing is I felt the collar of my jacket being pulled choking me, and I was pulled onto the ground with extreme force.  

He began to punch me in my face and head excessively. I screamed but no one came to rescue me. Maybe it was because of the neighborhood people were afraid, I don't know, but I lay there just being beaten, kicked, punched, until he was done. And I laid in the middle of the street with blood running from my nose and mouth, crying. All I could say was "Why?" over and over. I didn't understand. I was a perfect girlfriend. I did everything right. But those things didn't matter. He had walked back over to me trying to get me up and saying how sorry he was. And I was so weak and confused, I cried in his arms. I loved him, it wasn't easy to just walk away. I wish I could say I never saw him again after that, but that wasn't the case. I stayed with him, which led to me staying with the abuse. Even though I was forced to wear long sleeves in the summer time to cover up bruises, sunglasses indoors or always having long bangs to cover up marks on my face, that was not enough to make me leave. The thing about it is, a woman has to leave when she is ready, or she will just end up going back to the same abuser, or finding another man with the same qualities. The last straw was when he dragged me out of my car and hit me in my mouth until it was full of blood. I finally had the strength to leave. For 2 years I had endured excessive pain at the hands of a man I thought I was in love with. I could not take anymore, and I walked away for life.


But for the next 4 years I would continue to enter into relationships with men who would abuse me. It was not all physical abuse, mostly verbal and emotional, but I had lost my happiness and self esteem at 18. I would smile to my friends while I was crying home alone at night. I was living a silent terror that I would not share. People could not believe that I had allowed anyone to do something like that to me because I had such a strong personality and was so happy with myself. But I am a human being like anyone else, and being in these relationships I realized that I did not love myself. I just wanted people to see what I wanted to show them, but inside I was dying. I considered suicide, I wanted to runaway, I wanted to be anyone except Sabrina because Sabrina was battered and bruised inside and out. 


Although every man I encountered was not a bad guy, I held on to the traumatic experience I had had four years prior, that I could not give a good man a chance to be apart of my life. And when I thought that I had finally rid myself of these negative experiences, I entered into a relationship that ended with permanent scars. But this time I did not endure that pain for years on end. It ended as soon as it started. He had similar qualities as the man that first abused me but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't want to lose the chance at a good man because of fears from my past. But I ignored what was right in front of me, and in one instance, suffered in the worst way, and my son had to witness something that a child should never have to be apart of. The difference is, I let it go before it got too intense, and I decided to use the law to my advantage and press charges. I learned so much about myself and about people from this experience. You can never trust a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I have since become a stronger me, having more faith in humanity and in men. Although domestic violence has been an intense part of my life, I have become a stronger me from it. I do not consider myself a victim anymore. I was a victim for 6 years because I held onto the pain and continued to let abusive people in my life. But now, I am a survivor. I have survived the hands of a man, and I have survived the girl I use to be. I am whole now, and I have found happiness in the fact that I have risen above the turmoil I once had in my life. For a long time I was ashamed of my life, embarrassed of who I am, but I am able to teach other young women about how to get out and share my story. 

A victim lives in fear. A Survivor endures. A victim is weak and powerless, paying for what was not her doing. A Survivor has grown strong because she knows the price is not hers to pay, the sin is not hers to atone.